POO
by Desiree L. Wallen
Summary: Hello! This is Desiree L. Wallen and Mr. Pooch's zany parody of the Phantom of the Opera movie. Rated T for many BAD WORDS and drug references. Please R&R!
1. Auction to Think of Me

POO- The "Special" Version of the Phantom of the Opera

Authors: Desiree L. Wallen, Mr.Pooch, and with additional help from Bladequeen 2000

Chapter One: Auction to "Think of Me"

Narrator: Scene opens on a fat, bald man standing behind a podium. When he talks, it is in a high pitched, squeaky voice, much like that of a teenage girl. By the way, this horrible man is a pimp. Want proof? I caught him sleeping with my wife! And I...

Director Joel: Andrew, we need a new narrator.

Andrew: Why?

Joel: Bob slept with this one's wife. Again.

Andrew: (sighs) Then why not fire Bob?

Joel: We've been over this before. I love Bob, I mean- I like Bob, and we have.fun together, and I... Look, I have a problem with firing my sister's boyfriends, okay!

Andrew: Fine, fine. (to Bob, better known as the Auctioneer) From your first line, Bob.

(Movie begins filming)

Auctioneer: Gentlemen.and(passing a glance over to the dressing dancers) ladies.

Joel: CUT! Bob, there will be no pimping on this set! Resume filming!

Auctioneer: (coughs awkwardly) Either way, Lot 665 is now open. A most interesting statue of a child at the Neverland Ranch sitting in Ronald McDonald's lap. The bidding will begin at five dollars!

Random Bidder: Ten dollars!

Old Woman: (MME.GIRY! I never said anything): Fifteen dollars!

Old Guy: (RAOUL! I never said. Snoring): Tw..twenty. twenty five dollars!

Dr. Evil: One billion dollars!(gives an evil laugh)

Joel: Cut! Get him out of here! (filming resumes)

Old Guy/RAOUL: $37 dollars and 99 cents.

Auctioneer: $37 once.twice.sold! To the Vicount de Changy(see I told.snore)

Now, Lot 3377, an old, dingy chandelier, broken and shattered into a million pieces. Why anyone would want this is beyond me. Except, perhaps, it is a magic chandelier! As we raise it up, we will all be transported back to 1870(wow, what a creative date) into the glory days of the Opera Populaire. Yes, that Opera Populaire, the one with the mysterious.Phantom of the Opera! Gentlemen, turn it on!

(Random Worker, at the organ, plays the traditional "dramatic" music: BUM Bum BUM. As the other workers turn the chandelier on, about 10 billion times to bright.)

Random Bidder: Oh, my god, please, turn it off!

Old Guy/Raoul: I'm g-going b-blind.

Joel: Raise it up! HURRY! And turn the (EXPLICIT CONTENT) music on!

(Play that Funky Music begins to play, as the chandelier is raised and a disco ball is lowered. Several skaters skate out onto a now-illuminated stage. A huge guy in an afro leads them in disco moves. Meanwhile, as the chandelier continues to rise we can see statues of.)

Bob: Naked Women!

Joel: Cut! Bob, you're part is over, now LEAVE! I love you to death, but LEAVE! Before I lose my sanity, and where did that statement come from?

Bob: (pausing while running from security) Porn.

Joel: WHAT? Never mind, it's better not to know. All right, people, Prep Scene! We need Christine, Meg, and Dancers. Begin!

(Candy Shop begins to play. Joel is about to cry. The dancers stand there for a moment, but finally get the hint. About their performance? Let's just say, Bob is happy. Very happy.)

Joel: Oh, dear god, help me. (music switches to La Carlotta's part in Hannibal.)

Andre: (after La Carlotta is done singing) Very good, ma'am.

La Carlotta: La Carlotta thanks you.

Firmin: Aren't you La Carlotta?

Old Manager: Yes, she is. (pulling them away.) She likes to refer to herself in the third person. Oh, look, here's our conductor.

(nervous, small, bald man enters, with two bodyguards)

Firmin: Why does the conductor have body guards?

Old Manager: Well, you see...

Conductor: (flipping out) PURPLE MAN! The purple man is coming to eat me!

Tybalt: Where is he? I shall murder the rouge!

Purple Man: I am for you!

Joel: Cut! Emmy, say your line. Jen, get over there! And get Tybalt and the imaginary purple guy out of here! Patrick! Patrick Wilson, you're up! Resume filming!

(Raoul has given a very long, very boring speech that has made all of the dancers, except for Christine, fall asleep at their feet. As the managers begin to clap, they wake up.)

Firmin: He's a very good speaker. It's a shame he st..st..stutters.

Andre: Firmin! Be nice, he is our patron. And he is cute.

Firmin: Oh, really. Do you think so?

Andre: But not as cute as you are. (they kiss)

Christine: OMG! Our new managers are gay!

Meg: And our new patron stutters. And tonight's dinner is lamb, from down near Nice. And mother is absoultly killing me to talk to this guy, Erik. I mean, he seems nice, but still, I don't' know him. And I.

Christine: Meg! Don't talk about my boy, Raoul, like that, girl!

Meg: What you talking about, dawg?

Christine: Well, Meg, when I was little, my father...

Meg: Oh, gosh, not another, my father speech.

Christine(glaring): Either way, I met Raoul at the shore one year. And we fell in love. (Raoul walks by.) And now, he doesn't even recognize me! (she starts to cry.)

Meg: Girl, I'm so sorry. (turns around and flips Raoul off.) He's a (EXPLICIT CONTENT HERE). Does that make you feel better?

Christine: Not really, it's kind of, scary.

Mme. Giry: What is that (EXPLICIT CONTENT FOR A FOUR LETTER WORD) noise?

La Carlotta: That's it, La Carlotta is leaving! She hates you all! (Regretfully, the managers convince her to stay and get her to sing.)

Steven: (fires an arrow at the curtain above La Carlotta, on who it falls): I never liked her, she wasn't right in the head.

Joel(crying): Cut! Just switch to "Think of Me", okay? That'll be it for today. And get the Braveheart guy out of here. (Peter Pan flies in, and sprinkles fairy dust on Steven, who flies away with him, screaming: My island! Or, Yes, Father!)

Joel: I must be high. Resume filming.

Mme. Giry: Christine, it is time.

Christine: Pha-nom-en-on.

Chourus: Do do do do do.

(They sing the song from the CherryDr. Peppercommercial.)

Joel: Cut! We're done for today! I can't take this anymore. Tomorrow, we'll have to continue, we'll come back and fix this later.

Bob: You know, you can see her boobs in that dress.

Joel: I'm going to kill myself before this is over, if you don't leave now, Bob!

End Of Chapter One

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So...Did you like Chapter One? Yes, we are two very twisted friends who adore Phantom of the Opera, and are passionate enough to warp it, so if you are so passionate to the point where you wish to hurt us for doing this, just review! Chapter Two will be up ASAP! Also, if you adore this, please review as well! 


	2. Think of Me to Angel of Music

_Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-**cough-cough-cough. **_Sorry...failed attempt at maniacal laughter. Thanks everyone for the great reviews! We were expecting to get fried from the POTO-obsessed fans.

Specialty-(SPESH-AL-TEE)-A talent pertaining to a person or group.

Speciality-(SPESH-E-AL-I-TEE)-A hint that George Lucas needs to look over the script before giving it to the actors.

Yeah...just saw _Revenge of the Sith_, and Obi-Wan Kenobi says "Fighting Sith Lords is our **speciality**."

Anyhoo, here's...

* * *

Chapter Two-Think of Me to Angel of Music

Joel-Okay...After yesterday's three-ring circus, we're going to continue on with "Think of Me," kapeesh?

Andrew-Kapeesh.

Joel-Christine, you're up.

Christine-Yay!

Joel-Just do me one favor.

Christine-What?

Joel-Please, no more starting hidden shameless promotions. Now, sing!

Christine-_Think of me, think of me fondly when we say goodbye..._

(Fast-forward two seconds...)

Christine-Hey! What's happening? How'd I get changed into this pretty white dress so fast? And how did the theater get filled so quickly? Why are there horses here?

Joel-Stop questioning and keep singing while we focus the camera two stories below you!

(Meanwhile, two stories below the stage...)

Phantom-Ooh, Christine sounds wonderful. Even though I can barely hear her through the two concrete floors and the dripping water down here, she still sounds wonderful!

(Zooming back up. Boy, is this ever making me dizzy. Let's just fast-forward to Raoul's part. Tee-hee.)

Raoul-_C-can it be? C-can it be C-christine?_ I-is it? I c-can't s-see.

Joel-Raoul! That is Christine! Now get with the script before I tell all of Paris that your grandma is a cheating whore!

Raoul-S-she beat you at Mon-monopoly again, d-didn't s-she?

Joel-Shut up! That's not the point! Now go into the hallway and sing!

Raoul-F-fine.

(As Raoul leaves and the camera follows him, the audience starts singing yet another commercially-contrived song.)

Audience-_Wanta Fanta? Don't you wanta? Wanta Fanta? Don't you wanta?_

Christine-Shut the Insert Explicit Word Here up! Okay! The Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper commercial I can handle, but the Fanta song is probably THE worst commercial jingle in the history of commercial jingles! Son of a Insert Explicit Word Here! Is it so hard to grasp that this is my first lead role? I mean, what have I done before? I got raped and killed in **Mystic River**! So don't Insert Explicit Word Here me off!

Joel-Christine! Sing Insert Explicit Word Here!

(On account that nothing really happens save Christine singing, I'm fast-forwarding to the overly long "OF".)

Christine-_Won't you think ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah, aaaaaaaaaaaa, ooooOF ME!_

Andre-Ahh! My ears are bleeding!

Firmin-Here sweetheart, I'll clean them up with my lacy hankerchief!

Andre-Aww...I love you!

Firmin-I love you too!

(Meanwhile, some random chick waltzes out of the theater to a black carriage, belonging to guess who?)

Random Chick-Hello madamosielle.

La Carlotta-So, how was the show?

Random Chick-Wonderful. Absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't put it in words.

La Carlotta-La Carlotta was supposed to be breathtaking. Who took La Carlotta's place?

Random Chick-The lovely but sassy Christine Daae.

La Carlotta-Oh, that Insert Explicit Word Here! She keeps stealing La Carlotta's drugs!

Random Chick-You do drugs?

La Carlotta-Yes, La Carlotta does heroin. But Christine does too, obviously!

Random Chick-Well, the point is that you left, Christine replaced you, and now everybody will love her instead of you.

La Carlotta-Do you love Christine more than La Carlotta?

Random Chick-(twiddles thumbs. What the heck kind of a word is twiddles? It's so moronic!) Yes.

La Carlotta-You stupid Insert Explicit Word Here!

(La Carlotta kicks Random Chick out of the carriage onto the curb. Literally. Poor Random Chick. Now we flash to Christine and Madame Giry...)

Mme. Giry-Christine, where are you going? You're not going to do heroin, are you?

Christine-Of COURSE not. I'm visiting my father's shrine.

Mme. Giry-Okay. But just to make sure, Meg's going too.

Christine-Ugh. Fine. See you soon, Madame Giry.

(Christine takes off to her father's shrine as quickly as possible, to ditch Meg.)

End of Chapter Two

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Didja like it? If not, DON'T HIT ME! R&R!


	3. Angel of Music to The Mirror

POO- Chapter Three

Angel of Music to the Mirror

Authors: Desiree L. Wallen, Mr. Pooch, and more help from Bladequeen 2000

Author's Note: HI! Mr. Pooch here, to all Reviewers: It is my co-writer's, Desiree L. Wallen's birthday on June the 6th! So please, in your reviews, Wish her a happy Birthday! Gracias! Oh, the song in the middle with Bob/Christine is Little Mary Sunshine from Reefer Madness.

Andrew: Are we really going to go on with this fiasco?

Joel: Yes, we'll give in another try, at least. This is your musical, isn't it?

Andrew: If I ever wrote something as stupid as this is turning out to be, may something fall out of the sky and hit me on the head.

(As he speaks, a heffalump falls out of the sky and strikes Mr. Webber on the head. And Robin's minstrels cheered: yea!)

Joel: I'm just going to ignore that. (calls) Okay, people, Scene Three! We need Emmy and Jennifer. And, action!

(Christine has been trying to escape the hawk-like eyes of Meg Giry for the past half hour. Unfortunately for her, at the same time, she's been trying to get high. Not a good combination, she's tripped several times. And fallen down exactly two flights of stairs into her father's shrine! Good job! A 10! )

(We enter into Movie-Land, where Christine lights a candle in her father's shrine. Then, she takes a cigarette from her pocket and lights it in the candle. )

Christine : OUCHIE! I burnt my hand!

Meg's eerie voice: _Christine._

Male's voice echoing: Christine, Christine.

Christine: Yes, God?

Phantom, again: Christine

Christine: FATHER! (gets up, runs across the room, and straight into a wall. Collapses onto the floor.)

Joel: CUT! Meg, just come into the room. NOW!

Meg: _Where in the world have you been hiding? Really, you were perfect. I only wish I knew your secret. Who is your great tutor?_

Christine: Meg When your mother brought me here.

Joel: CUT! Christine, that's the WRONG LINE!

Christine: Sorry. Don't beat me again! (cowers)

Joel: What?

Christine: Just kidding! But, honestly, don't.

(Back in Movie Land, where Christine or Christine is about to say the right line. )

Christine: Before I came here, my father promised to send me the Angel of Music ( Meg has fallen asleep).

Meg: Well (BAD WORD), I think use a crazy (BAD WORD). You see dead people, like that little kid on the television. TNT (starts humming the six o'clock news jingle).

Christine: _Angel of Music, Guide and Guardian, Grant to me your glory! _

Meg: Who is this angel? This-

Narrator: (magically, both girls are in a hallway now. Must have been the drugs. They begin to sing, but a tall, shadowy figure catches Christine's attention. He has a helmet and a long, flowing cape on.)

Darth Vader: Christine, I AM your FATHER!

Christine: DADDY!

Meg: Oh no, you don't. We're not going through this again!

(As Meg is pushing Darth away, Bob comes over to Christine. Yes, Bob has returned.)

Bob: Hey Christine, Want a smoke ?

Christine: Sure, Bob. Hey, wait a minute, this isn't one of those reefers, is it?

Bob: (LYING! LYING! Snore): No, no it isn't. It's special cigarette. (sings) _No more Mary Sunshine, little Mary Sunshine.._

Christine: _Jimmy's a boy, I'm ready for men. Let's go up and down, and up and down, and down again._

Bob: _Mary Sunshine! You're ultra, ultra! _

Narrator: (Thank god, Meg's returned and starts to drag Bob out by his small clumps of hair. EW!)

Joel: Cut! Bob, quit drugging the actors!

Bob: (managed to escape Meg, who is busy smoking with Christine now): Come on, Joel. You know you want some.

Joel: Oh, please.

Bob: Come on.

Joel: Just one drag.

Narrator: (A few minutes later, "U Can't Touch This" is playing in the background. Joel is high and dancing with a bunch of strippers. Needless to say, Bob is VERY, VERY happy!) (Author: Many thanks to Bladequeen2000!)

Andrew: And I'm just going to ignore THAT! Okay, now it's the beginning of the Mirror. Action!

Narrator: (Raoul comes in. (Author: Looking VERY SEXY! Teasing.) with a huge bouquet of flowers. After trying, and failing, to squeeze in the door three times, he comes in with a slightly smaller bouquet.)

Raoul: S-sorry about that.

Christine: Oh, Raoul. Those summers at the beach, remember our sweet little rhyme. And our long, long night in the.

Raoul: I don't remember that! B-but, I do re-remember the rhy-rh-rhyme.

Christine: Hello, mother. Hello, father. Fleas, ticks, mosquitos, they really bother. Thanks for the package, that's why I'm writing. K9 Advantix really stops all the biting!

Raoul: Oh Chri-Chris-Chris

Christine: Take your time there

Raoul: Oh, Christine! I love you!

Christine: RAOUL!

Raoul: Will you go w-with me to supper at my par-paren-parent's hum-hum-humble abode tonight?

Christine: Beg pardon?

Raoul: I'll be waiting for you outside. I'll give you a un-un-ungodly two min-minutes to get changed out of your ov-overly long go-go-gown.

* * *

Sorry for the long wait, but Mr. Pooch lost the first draft of this chapter in Delaware. Let's pluck her hair! Chapter Four:The Mirror to Music of the Night, will be up soon!


	4. The Mirror to Music of the Night

Hello loves! I lied. It DID take a long time to get this chapter up. I'm sorry. So is Mr. Pooch, because she has to make a few last minute revisions on Chapter Five. You'll enjoy this chapter, though. Have fun!

* * *

Chapter Four-The Mirror to Music of the Night

Narrator-Where we last left off, Raoul was giving Christine an ungodly two minutes to get dressed...

Christine-Okay! I'll be out soon enough!

(Christine uses one of the many candles on her vanity to light up. Meanwhile, Phantom locks the door.)

Phantom-I hope she's too stoned to notice that I locked her out.

Mme. Giry-What!

Phantom-AHH! What are you doing!

Mme. Giry-I'm just spying.

Phantom-You're (BAD WORD) crazy!

Mme. Giry-I'm crazy? You have a fetish with nooses!

Phantom-Shut up.

(Phantom and Mme. Giry leave. Christine did notice that the door locked, but she had a major delayed reaction. As she goes towards the door, all the lights go out (Spooooooooooky!) and a BIG BOOMING voice begins to sing (Scaaaaaaaaaary!))

Phantom-_Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, basking in your glory! Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor _(what? he's not that br...never mind.) _sharing in my triumph!_

Christine-_Angel I hear you, speak, I listen! Stay by my side, guide me! Angel, my soul was weak_ (how is my bloody soul weak?)_, forgive me! Enter at last, master. _(what? I ain't nobody's slave!)

Phantom-_Flattering child, you shall know me. See why in shadow I hide. Look at your face in the mirror, I am there inside!_

Desiree L. Wallen's bf Ken-What the (BAD WORD)! He is inside!

Desiree-Shh! Watch the bloody thing!

Christine-OMFG! I'm a-I'm a-I'M A MAN! Dude! (Looks down.) But I'm in a skimpy white dress...and my mirror self is wearing black. (Touches face.) I'm not wearing a cool-(BAD WORD) mask!

Phantom-_Come to me angel of music..._

Christine-Are YOU my daddy?

(Meanwhile, Raoul realizes it's been more than two minutes.)

Raoul-C-christine! C-christine! Wh-wh-wh-who's in th-there w-w-with you? (Mutters to himself) (BAD WORD)! W-we date f-f-for t-two min-minutes and sh-she's ch-cheating on m-me already!

(Sigh. Well, basically, Phantom's singing is causing Christine to walk melodramatically into the mirror. Yes, Ken, INTO THE BLOODY MIRROR!)

Joel-God (BAD WORD)! She's stoned and making a dead fish stare!

Andrew-You could say she's being "enchanted"...

Joel-Ooh. I LIKE that. Let's use it!

Andrew-Uh-oh.

Joel-What?

Andrew-Where's the orchestra for the next song?

Joel-Oh (BAD WORD)! I don't know!

Andrew-Come on! It's nothing without the cool organ music!

Desiree and Mr. Pooch-We have a solution!

Joel-Oh! Where is this beacon of hope in my darkest hour?

(Desiree whips out her cell phone.)

Desiree-Simple, my ringtone!

Mr. Pooch-Her illegally downloaded ringtone.

Desiree-Shh! Nobody heard that...

(So yours trulys start the ringtone. On the first note in Movie-Land, Christine grasps Phantom's hand. He starts to lead her down a long hallway. Cough-rape-cough.)

Christine-_In sleep he sang to me..._Wow. Those arm thingys are cool man!

Phantom-What arm thingys? There's only spiders, water, and rats!

Christine-Smoke this and you will see!

(Christine hands Phantom heroin-on-a-stick. Nice. She then tosses Joel and the camera one, so the arm thingys can show up on the movie.)

Joel-Dude...are you getting this?

Camera-So...cool.

Joel-Yeah. Uh...Um...Oh yeah. Christine, finish your part!

Christine-Sweet. _In dreams he came. That voice which calls to me, and speaks my name. And do I dream again, for now I find the Phantom of the opera is there inside my mind._

Phantom-_Sing once again with me, our strange duet. My power over you grows stronger yet..._

Christine-WHY AM I ON A (BAD WORD) HORSE!

Joel-Oh no! She's not gonna look behind when she's supposed to!

Phantom-_And though you turn from me to glance behind..._

(As Phantom sings this part, Joel makes Andrew tap Christine on the shoulder, so she looks behind on cue, and come back without being noticed. That is pure stealth, Mr. Webber, pure stealth.)

Joel-On second thought, she doesn't need to look behind.

Andrew-After all that! (to himself) Stupid Nipply-Batsuit Man!

Phantom-_The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind._

Christine-You freak! Telling a poor girl that there are phantoms inside her mind! That's just wrong! Ooh! A boat!

Phantom-Yes dear, a boat! Get in and sing your part!

(Christine gets in and sits down, and Phantom starts ther boat of with a rod. A FRICKIN' ROD! You'd think he'd use something cooler, but NO, he uses a long, wooden rod!)

Christine-_Those who have seen your face draw back in fear. I am the mask you wear._

Phantom-_It's me they hear._

Christine and Phantom-_Your spirit and my voice, in one combined, the Phantom of the Opera is there, inside_-Oh (BAD WORD)!

(Amazingly, incredibly, astonishingly, insanely, can't think of any more words, an iceberg looms ahead of the boat!)

Christine-EEEK! TURN THE BOAT! TURN IT NOW! I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Phantom-I'm trying! Shut the (BAD WORD) up!

(Phantom manages to escape a head-on collision, but the iceberg manages to scrape the side of the boat. It's S-L-O-W-L-Y sinking.)

Christine-We're gonna drown! I'm gonna die a virgin!

Phantom-First of all, the water is 2-feet deep. Second of all, you're very pretty, I'm sure you'll get laid soon. Third of all, _sing my angel of music_!

Christine-_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah._

Phantom-_Sing for me!_

Christine-_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah._

Phantom-_SING my angel!_

Christine-_Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah._

Phantom-_SING FOR ME!_

Christine-_AH!_

(They hit land. Phantom and Christine jump just as the boat disappears forever.)

Christine-Whew! That was close! But I have a question. Why were there candles coming out of the water **while they were lit**?

Phantom-I noticed that too. Maybe we're still stoned. Let's check.

(Phantom slaps Christine.)

Christine-HEY!...That actually felt good! Now you!

(Christine slaps Phantom. Phantom slaps back. They keep slapping each other silly until...)

Phantom-Okay! Okay! I'm not stoned anymore!

Christine-Aww man! Fine!

(Joel is staring into space.)

Camera-Yo!

Joel-Oh right! Bring in the midgets for Phantom!

End of Chapter Four

* * *

Drugs Are Bad! Don't do them! Okay, I'm done. Chapter Five will be up whenever we get it up. 


	5. Music of the Night to Meg's Snoopiness

Chapter Five at last! Well...I must warn you...this chapter's not that funny. I mean how can you make fun of Music of the Night? Oh well...R&R!

* * *

Chapter Five: "Music of the Night to Meg's Snoopiness"

Authors: Yea! Chapter Five! Thanks to all reviewers!

Joel: Bring in the midgets!

Andrew : Um…Joel? We couldn't find any…small people.

Joel: What do you mean, thousands of people are short! Including you, I'm sorry to say.

Andrew: (glares) We couldn't find any…dwarves.

Bob: Then smoke this!

Andrew: No! Get him out of here! And Bring in the Oompa-Loompas!

Oompas: Oompa-Loompa, doopedy-do, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa-Loompa, doopedy-dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me.

Andrew: They needed a job, and were scared of the Willy Wonka/Johnny Depp.

Joel: oh, okay. Just…get under the organ! And…action!

Phantom:_ I have bought you to the seat of sweet music's throne_.

Christine looks interested, but then falls asleep.

Phantom: _Where all must pay homage to music…to music. _

Christine: I'm sorry, you were saying, God?

Phantom: I'm not God.

Christine: Daddy?

Phantom: Well…I'm kind of dreading what else you'll call me, so let's go with that.

Christine: (throws her arms around him) Daddy!

Phantom: Oh…thank you, God. Thank you. (awkward cough) Yeah…well, I'm gonna sing now:

_Night-time sharpens,  
heightens each sensation . . .  
Darkness stirs and  
wakes imagination . . .  
Silently the senses  
abandon their defences . . .  
Slowly, gently  
night unfurls its splendour . . .  
Grasp it, sense it -  
tremulous and tender . . .  
Turn your face away  
from the garish light of day,  
turn your thoughts away  
from cold, unfeeling light -  
and listen to  
the music of the night . . ._

(Narrator: As he sings, the Phantom's hands begin moving upwards on Christine's stomach-area. Bad phantom!)

Christine: Hey! Hey! No hand-sex! Stop stroking me, what do you think I am-your pet!

Phantom: Sorry about that-now, can I continue showing my…amazing singing.

Christine: Tiny bit self-concieted?

Phantom: Of course not! Now… let me continue singing. I'm getting to my Rocky move: (runs up the stairs as he sings)

_Close your eyes  
and surrender to your  
darkest dreams!  
Purge your thoughts  
of the life  
you knew before!  
Close your eyes,  
let your spirit  
start to…_

Joel: Oompa-Loompa's, kick Phantom! (and they do, right where the sun does NOT shine. Poor Phantom.)

Phanom: _soooooooooarrrrrrrrrr! _

Joel: Yes! It worked!

Oompa-Loompas:

_And you'll live  
as you've never  
lived before . . .  
Softly, deftly,  
music shall surround you . . .  
Feel it, hear it,  
closing in around you . . .  
Open up your mind,  
let your fantasies unwind,  
in this darkness which  
you know you cannot fight -  
the darkness of  
the music of the night . . ._

Phantom: (very quick recovery) Hey! They're stealing my song!

Mr. Wonka: Hello! Have you seen my singing/dancing small, tiny men from Loompa-land?

Joel: Why…no, no I haven't.

Wonka: Oh. I'll have to look somewhere else then. Pa-pa(runs into a camera wire, leaving the camera teetering, almost ready to fall)

Joel: Did anybody find that odd besides me? Okay everybody, let's boogie!

Christine: What?

Joel: Um…I'm not sure. Either way-resume filming!

Phantom: On with the sexual song!

Andrew: It is not. (sniffs)

Phantom:_ Let your mind  
start a journey through a  
strange new world!  
Leave all thoughts  
of the world  
you knew before!  
Let your soul  
Take you where you  
long to be !  
Only then  
can you belong  
to me . . .  
Floating, falling,  
sweet intoxication!  
Touch me, trust me  
savour each sensation!  
Let the dream begin,  
let your darker side give in  
to the power of the music that I write -  
the power of the music of the night . . ._

Christine: He's right. This song is sort-of sexual. And, by the way: Why are there so many pictures of me? Sure, I'm beautiful, and everyone should at least have one…but ten!

Phantom: Haven't I made it obvious yet?

Christine: (another dead-fish stare)

Narrator: And on your left, we see a love letter to Christine, never sent-Phantom's a shy one, yes he is. Along with a small glass figure of her, which Bob is stealing. Swiper no swiping! Wonder who's the obsessed love intrest here? Hmmmm…WATCH OUT FOR THE CAMERA!

Christine: Ouchie! That...mixed with the drugs...I think I'm passing-(faints)

Phantom: You're so lucky I'm an obsessed stalker or I'd leave you unconscious on my floor. However, since I am, I'm going to lay you down on this lovely, to-pretty-to-be-real, bed. (sighes, as the curtains are being pulled down) Aren't these nice? I got them at Target. (finishes singing as the curtains go down slowwwwwwllyyyyyy.)

_You alone can make my song take flight -  
help me make the music of the night . ._

Joel: And…..end scene! I'm going to go flirt with the new director of Batman, to see if he'll use my suit. It's so nice to see one of your designs in a movie.

As the Oompas rush in to do a song and dance routine to Cabaret. (talking about dirty songs! Goodness.)


	6. The Snoopiness of Meg to Notes

"POO" Chapter Six-The Snoopiness of Meg to Notes

Joel-Thank God!

Andrew-Christopher Nolan decided to put Nipply Bat-Suits in his new Batman movie?

Joel-No. (Gives puppy lip. That's so cute!) The guy is morbid. He carved 'I will not follow Mr. Schumacher' into his arm.

Andrew-Then why the bloody (BAD WORD) are you saying 'Thank God'!

Joel-I don't have to deal with Christine and her gaping dead-fish stare!

Andrew-Sometimes I wonder if you should have cast my ex-wife...

Joel-No, no, and no. Not Sarah Brightman AKA Creepy-looking Christine! She's freaky.

Andrew-Well quit your whining! I'm starting to have the tendencies of Kurt Cobain.

Joel-A grunge musical? Great idea!

(Andrew slaps Joel upside the head. Serves him right. But then again...the puppy-lip thing is too cute! Meanwhile, Dumb-Blonde Meg (Mr. Pooch-Hey! I'm blonde!) (Desiree-Sorry...) somehow has the key to the dressing room. How she got it remains a mystery, but all we know is that it's a little...conveinient.)

Meg-Christine? Are you in here? No...Oh well! She's a bad influence on me anyway. (Begins to leave. Not that bright of an idea...)

Joel-Meg...I know you want those breast implants before 'Masquerade'...

Meg-She's not in there! What else do you want? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! This stinks!

Joel-Look at the (BAD WORD) mirror!

Meg-Why? Is my hair screwed up? Is my makeup blotchy?

Joel-She is THE stereotype of a dumb blonde.

Mme. Giry-Well, um...She gets it from her father!

Joel-Who IS her father anyway?

Mme. Giry-I-I-I don't know.

Joel-(GASP!) I thought you'd say 'the late Monsieur Giry', but NO, you're a slutty-slut-slut-slut!

Mme. Giry-I'd cry, but...(she points to Meg instead.)

(Meg finally found the mirror's real purpose and spots a light. Trouble is, when she opens it, everything is very dark. Hmm...)

Meg-Eek! It's so dirty in here! AHH! Rats! They're (BAD WORD) on my new Adidas ballet slippers! And my Tiffany's ankle bracelet! Now the dripping ceiling is making my hair frizzy! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This can't get any worse!

(Mme. Giry grabs her shoulder.)

Meg-Noooooooooooo! Rapist! (Sprays her mom with pepper spray.) Oh, it's just you.

Mme. Giry-You're grounded!

Meg-I can't leave anyway! I work here!

Mme. Giry-Shut up and come with me.

(The pepper spray causes Mme. Giry to zig-zag into many of the walls on the way to the ballet girl's dressing room. But it was sloppy, so we only give her a 5. Anyway, Joseph Buquet is talking trash on Phantom.)

Buquet-_Like yellow parchment is his skin. Two holes serve as the nose that never grew._ (Desiree and Mr. Pooch-We beg to differ. The Phantom's sexy!) _You must always be on guard, or he'll catch you with his magical lasso!_

(Throws noose around a pretty girl's waist and tries to kiss her.)

Pretty Girl-Eww! Get thos nasty lips away from me, you drunken pervert!

(As Meg gets undressed, Bob peeks in throught the window and stares. I'm starting to think it's high-time Joel and Andrew killed him...)

Pretty Girl-Speaking of drunken perverts Meg...(Motions to window.)

Meg-Yikes! Shoo! Go away!

Joel-BOB!

Bob-Ugh. Fine. I'll go party with the Oompa-Loompas. (Leaves. Yea.)

Joel-I am seriously going to cut him up and feed him to rats. Oops. Did I say that out loud? Whatever people...Continue!

Mme. Giry-_Those who speak of what they know..._

Meg-Mom! Like OH MY GAWD! Shut up! You stink at singing!

Mme. Giry-Excuse me, I happen to be the only one in this (BAD WORD) movie that even has a French accent, even though we're in Paris! So you shut up!

Joel-On second thought, maybe Christine is better to work with...

Mme. Giry-(turns to Buquet.) Now you...(Sings all drawn out to annoy Meg.) _Keep your hand at the level of your eyes._ (Throws noose around his neck and tightens it. He starts to choke.) Oops! Sorry! I told you to keep your hand at the level of your eyes!

Joel-Grr...THAT'S IT! WE'RE DONE WITH ALL OF YOU FOR AWHILE! NEXT SCENE!

(Next scene, much to Joel's happiness. Christine sleeps on the insanely pretty shell bed without stockings on, much to Phantom's happiness. Not happily, she is awakened by a monkey playing symbols.)

Monkey-Help me, help me, help me count! 1, 2, 3, 4!

(Christine grabs Monkey to throw it on the ground and stomp on its head. Noooooo! She killed Monkey!)

Christine-Shut up, you (BAD WORD) primate! I have a splitting headache and the only way to remember what happened is if I sing my way through it! (Well, how else did she get the lead, covince Meg that her dead father was teaching her, land a stuttering patron for a boyfriend, and not get raped by Phantom?)

Joel-Christine, don't be a bother. Just sing. I'll give you asprin later.

Christine-Oh yay! _I remember there was mist..._or heroin smoke. _There was mist upon a vast, glossy lake..._Where am I getting these words? _There were candles all around..._so I could light up later. _And in the lake there was a boat..._that sank. _And in the boat there was a man..._(Turns to see Phantom.) DADDY!

Phantom-Yeah...Daddy...sure. I am old enough to be your father. Now that's scary.

Christine-_Who's was the shape in the shadows? Whose is the face in the mask?_

Phantom-But you just said...

(She plays with his face. She wants more, so she takes off his mask. He back-hands her into his candleabra. Ouch. One of the candles land on her dress. Good job, Phantom, now she's on fire. She jumps in the lake. Realizing she's wet and cold...and wet, she crawls back to where she was. Now they're both crying; he because his face was revealed, she because she's traumatized.)

Phantom-_Damn you, you little prying Pandora! Curse you, little lying Delilah! You little viper! This is what you wanted to see! Damn you, curse you..._

Christine-Yeesh! You're a crybaby! You're not nearly as distorted as THIS!

(She holds up a photograph.)

Christine-This is Michael Crawford AKA Phugly Phantom.

Desiree-I have a hat exactly like Mr. Crawford's!

Mr. Pooch-But you're not nearly as Phugly.

(Desiree smiles. Then Phantom walks around and sings.)

Phantom-_Stranger than you dreamt it, did you think that I could look or dare to bear it? This repulsive gargoyle that rots in but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly. This rotting carcus that secretly dreams of beauty, but secretly. Oh Christine!_

Christine-Here's your bloody mask back. Joel! Where's that asprin! His singing made my headache worse!

Phantom-You meanie! Now I'm taking you back to those morons who run my theater!

Christine-Your theater? I'm dating the guy who patrons it!

Phantom-Who? The st-st-stutterer?

Christine-Oh, shut up! Fine. You're a great singer.

Phantom-And so are you. Now let's go!

(Okay. That's that. Back to black-and-white land! Mme. Giry stands on the stairs, looking at Raoul's carriage.)

Mme. Giry-I don't get it. He must be seventy...but he looks two-hundred years old! Not to mention I'm ninety and I look sixty...

(Carriage pulls away. Raoul looks in the rearview mirror.)

Raoul-L-look! S-she's g-getting sm-smaller!

Raoul's Nurse-Yes, you idiot. That's because we're moving. Now, let the nice camera transport the audience back to 1870.

Raoul-W-what?

(Camera zooms into Raoul's eye. Big mistake, Mr. Camera.)

Raoul-Ou-ou-ouchies! T-that th-thing hit my eye!

Nurse-(SARCASM ALERT!) Gee, that really stinks! Just like how I LOVE this job and how I DON'T want you to croak for awhile!

Raoul-Y-you're s-s-so k-kind to m-me!

Nurse-Whatever. (Murmurs to herself. Ha. Murmurs is a funny word. Say it with me:MUR-MUR-S. Tee-hee! MUR-MUR! MUR-MUR!) Loser.

End of Chapter Six


	7. Notes to Prima Donna

POO-Chapter Seven

Notes to Prima Donna

Author: Hello, Mr. Pooch here! Just wishing everyone a happy new school year. If that's possible. If not, please try. Sorry this has taken so long! Enjoy!

* * *

Joel: I'm so happy!

Andrew: Christopher Nolan's Batman movie made less than yours?

Joel: Oh, shut up. Why does everyone seem to think I'm so obsessed with Batman?

Andrew: Well, it could be the voodoo doll we found, or the thirteen ticket stubs for each movie, or the huge box of comics. Or the bi0D 

Andrew: But I like our insane retards. (thinks a second, then runs away. Go, Mr. Webber, act on your evil plan to keep the insane retards.)

Joel: Okay everybody, places and action! (to himself) Hopefully for the last time.

(Firmin enters the hall of the Opera House, taking off his gloves and his overly fluffy jacket. Two maids are scrubbing the floor with circular motions.)

Maids: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

Firmin: Very nice job, my dear Karate Kid obsessed maids. Very nice job. Well, now, I'm going to rap! (knock at the door)

Girl Scout: Would you like to be last time.

(Firmin enters the hall of the Opera House, taking off his gloves and his overly fluffy jacket. Two maids are scrubbing the floor with circular motions.)

Maids: Wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.

Firmin: Very nice job, my dear Karate Kid obsessed maids. Very nice job. Well, now, I'm going to rap! (knock at the door)

Girl Scout: Would you like to buy some Dos-I-Dos or All Abouts, sir?

Firmin: Would I ever! Let's see, how about a box of each. My Andre simply loves your cookies! (little girl looks scared at his squeal. Gets the money and runs for her life.) How odd. Either way, time for my rap!

Firmin:_ Mystery after gala night, it says Mystery of soprano's flight. Mystified baffled Suerte says, mystified we suspect foul play._ I wonder why anyone gives a (bad word) about an opera singer, I mean they aren't that popular in the States. _Bad news on soprano's scene, first Carlotta now Christine._ Personally, I thank God that they're gone, but that's just me. _Still, at least the seats get sold, gossip's worth it's weight in gold. _Speaking of gold, I'm supposed to get paid after this scene.

(During this next part of Firmin's rap, he does his version of the Phantom's "Rocky" move, on wet steps. Falling down, he rights himself by way of a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. )

Firmin: _What a way to run a business! Spare me these unending trials. Half your cast disappears but the crowd still cheers! Opera! To (bad word) with Gluck and Handel have a scandal and you're sure to have a hit! _

Andre: (bad word-ends with "able" people)

Firmin: Ahhhhhhhhhh!(sprays pepper spray about a mile wide of Andre, hitting a random clown, who runs away crying. Poor Ronald.) Andre, darling, you scared me.

Andre: Don't try to sweet talk me, mister! I'm angry, and I will explain why in my angry rap. _Will they all walk out? This is _(the "able" bad word again. Andre needs to wash out his mouth with soap sometime soon. )

Firmin: _Andre, please don't shout. It's publicity, and the take is vast! Free publicity…_

Andre: (fiddling—hehe, funny word-with an envelope) _But we have no cast!_

Firmin: _Andre, have you seen the queue? _(noticing the envelope) _Oh, it seems you have one too._

Andre: Yes, and there's writing on this side, but I can't seem to make it out.

Firmin: Well, let me try?

Andre: No! No…I'll do it, let's see.

Andre: _I could see you were a man of distinction, a real big spender. Good looking, so refined. Wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right to the point, I don't pop my cork for every guy I see. Hey Big Spender! Spend a little time with me…_

Firmin: Wow

Andre: Yeah. It's a little bit odd.

Firmin: Wow.

Andre: So, ummm, that's it, besides a Hallmark stamp on the back. What does yours say?

Firmin: _A mark, or yen, a buck, or a pound, a buck or a pound, a buck or a pound, is all that makes the world go around. That clinking, clanging sound. Can make the world go 'round. _

Andre: Mine was worse.

Firmin: Yes, it was. It almost sounds like you have another boyfriend.

Andre: Oh, how could you even think that!

Firmin: Well, you were looking at…

Andre: (finds a good time to interrupt)Back to the letters now, darling. _Who would have the gall to send this? Someone with a puerile brain!_

Firmin: Andre, dear, where are you getting this words from. (sees Andre holding a dictionary) Oh, look! _These are both signed of "O.G". _

Andre: Could he be the guy…(trails off then finds Firmin staring at him, very angrily.)I mean…_Who the heck is he?_

Together: _Opera ghost! _

Firmin: _It's really not amusing! _

Andre: _He's abusing our position! _

Firmin: _In addition he wants money. _

Andre: _What a funny sort of specter._

Both: _Nothing clearer, he is really quite insane! _

Raoul: _Where is s-s-she? _

Andre: _You mean Carlotta?_ (receives a "you're so dumb" look from Firmin)

Raoul: _I mean Mis-s-s Daae. Where is she?_

Firmin: (coming out of a stupor) _How should we know?_

Raoul: _I take it that you s-s-sent me this n-n-note!_

Andre: _We're in the dark! Of course not!_

Firmin: _Of course not! We're in the dark!_

Raoul: _Don't argue, p-pl-PLEASE! Isn't th-his the letter you wr-wrote?_

Andre: _And what is it that we're meant to have wrote? Written!_

Firmin:(reading) _I hate the French, I hate them all. _(Especially you, you annoying, Christine stealing, fop!) _I hate the French!_

Andre: Really, why would we write this? We're French!

Raoul: Then who w-w-would?(all have on their "thinking expressions as Carlotta bursts in)

Carlotta: _Where is he?_

Andre: Welcome back, signora.

Carlotta: _You're precious patron. Where is he?_

Raoul: Oh god, not you. I hate the Italian.

Carlotta: La Carlotta is Spanish.

Raoul: Sorry, S-s-sp-spanish!

Carlotta: Not really, La Carlotta just wanted to hear you s-s-struggle over the word.

Raoul: Thanks a lot (bad word). _What is it?_

Carlotta: _I have a letter-a letter which I rather resent._

Firmin:_ Did you send it?_

Raoul: Maybe, hold on, let me see. (looks over it) _Of course not! _

Carlotta: _You mean to tell me that this is not the letter you sent. _

Raoul: No, the letter I sent had a funny drawling of you with a huge nose and a wart.

Carlotta: Isn't it amazing? You said that perfectly.

Raoul: N-n-no I didn't. _And what is it that I'm meant to have sent? _(reads letter)

_Pop, squish, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Pop, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! Pop, squish, six, uh-huh, Cicero, Lipschitz! _Beware my wrath!

Andre: Ummm….yeah, that was the scariest one to date. Either way, let's sing-my lovely Firmin!

Firmin: Okay!

Both:_ Far too many notes for my taste, and most of them about Christine. All we've heard since we came is Ms.Daae's name. _

Ms.Giry: _Ms.Daae has returned._

All: AH! Creepy stalker-lady!

Andre:_ Where is she now?_

Ms.Giry:_ I thought it best she was alone…_

Meg:(With mousey voice) _She needed rest! _

Raoul:(Gives Meg quizzical look.) Ooooooookay...M-m-may I please s-see her?

Giry: No, sir, she will see no one.

Carlotta: _Will she sing? Will she sing?_

Giry:_ I have a note. _

All: _LET ME SEE IT! _

Mme. Giry: (flings the note on the ground and runs away with Meg. Andre picks up the note. As he reads it, he magically gets pocessed by the Phantom, who ends up read/singing the end of the note.)

Andre: _Gentlemen, I have now sent you several notes of the most amiable matter _(dictionary word)_ describing how my theater is to be run. You have not followed my instructions. You have one last chance.(_bumbumbum)

Phantom: _Christine Daae has returned to you, and I am anxious her career should progress. In the new production of "Il Muto", you will therefore cast Carlotta as the pageboy, and put Christine Daae in the role of countess. The role which Ms.Daae has calls for charm and appeal. The role of the Pageboy is silent, which makes my casting, in a word-ideal. _

_I shall watch the performance from my normal seat in Box Five which will be given to me_, and not Raoul! I mean(coughs)_ which will be kept open for me. _

Firmin: _I remain, gentlemen, your obedient servant, OG_.

Carlotta: _Christine! _

Andre: _Whatever next?_

Carlotta: _It's all a plot to help Christine_, that drugged up (bad word)!

Firmin:_ This is insane._

Carlotta:_ I know who sent this! The victome-her lover! _

Raoul: _Can you believe this? _

Firmin: _This man is mad! We don't take orders! Ms.Daae will be playing the silent role, the Pageboy!_

Managers: _Carlotta will be playing the lead! _

Carlotta:YES! (Looks around...) La Carlotta is happy, whaddya expect?

(Yes, Carlotta walks down the hall singing and being...diva-ish. Everybody's mad.)

Carlotta:It's La Carlotta's moment to shine!

Managers:Oui, she looks devine!

Random Chick: (Yes folks, she's back!) I'm going to get some wine!

Some Guy:I'm not happy she's back! Carlotta! Meet my moon-shine!

(He moons her. Mr. Pooch, Desiree, and Ken-you know, Desiree's boyfriend-start giggiling.)

Mr. Pooch:We're immature, that's fine!

Desiree:I hope he didn't cross the line...

Ken:WHAT'S WITH THE RHYMING! Now girls, let's go dine!

Desiree:You hypocrite! But I love you, and you're still mine!

Ken:I think she casts spells on me, ugh, fine!

Mr. Pooch:Indeed, you show all the signs!

Desiree and Ken:GASP! You ruined it!

Mr. Pooch:Huh?

Carlotta:You just had to add an s, didn't you?

Mr. Pooch:Oh...(Pulls a Joel puppy-lip.)

Desiree:Aww...Poor Mr. Pooch. (HUGSIES!)

Ken:Wait...do you hear that?

Mr. Pooch:No. Wait...YES!

Desiree:It sounds so familiar!

Carlotta:La Carlotta will check it out! (She goes to the front door with her posse and opens it to find...HA-HA! CLIFFHANGER!)

(Back out of Movie-Land)

Andrew: And cut! This is where Notes breaks off into Prima Donna in my play. I need to do a couple of things with the musical number, but we'll be back up and running tomorrow. Won't we Joel?

Joel: Yes, and tomorrow, you're getting a new director!

Everyone: WHAT?

Joel: Yes! I quit! (happy dances)

Andrew: Not exactly. While you were filming, I called in and they said that after the Batman fiasco, you have to direct this movie! (evil, manaical laughter)

Joel: Noooooooooooo! We may have to do the whole song over again then.

Cast: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

* * *

And, on this emotional scene, we will leave our favorite cast until Prima Donna! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ouch! We fell on those stupid stairs! Oh well, see you all next chapter! 


End file.
